I get my results this Friday and up until yesterday I wasn’t too worried. Mum offered to take me away to for a few days to her chalet in Somerset and as I was signed off for another week, I jumped at the chance.
I had already found that being on my own in my flat was not the best, even thought I’d be happier there, in fact I found being on my own gave me too much time to think. When in company of others I can forget about “stuff” and feel normal and more importantly forget that things aren’t normal.
I was asked the other night if I was scared about the results and I replied “no, not really” and at the time I wasn’t but now I admit, the nerves are kicking in.
I know I have a few possible results:
* All Clear – No further treatment needed.
* Further surgery to get a more tissue from the area where they removed the lump.
Well I’ve considered all of these and feel that deep down its likely to be 50/50 between chemo and radiotherapy. I’m not exactly scared of the treatment themselves but its more the impact on my work, my life, my family, my relationship with Di and my friends and my interests.
I feel guilty quite a lot that I’m adding stress to my family, my mum has a lot on her plate at the moment, my sister also has a lot going on and I feel bad that if I have treatment that I will need to rely on them.
I also got worried about work, what happens if they decide I can’t do my job and demote me, take the car off me? I’d be right royally screwed if they did, I don’t mind admitting that!
My lovely Di assures me that nothing will impact the way she feels about me and I believe her, for the first time I believe someone likes and actually loves me for me. I don’t have to try to be someone else but what worries me is that I may not be able to see her as much as I want if I get treatment as I may feel groggy etc.
I know a lot if this is probably just nerves but I said I’d make this blog a process of my journey so I can’t leave out the emotions you go through and the lows and highs.
I was told tonight, it’s ok to be scared and for short amounts time I allow myself to feel scared but that’s normally when I’m tucked up in bed on my own 🙂 Come the morning, all is fine and the smile is back 🙂 As my blog says…. Tiggers Always Bounce :-))))
And yes I have been praying to him upstairs 😉 xx