I thought I would write up about the emotional journey I have been on recently and what has been going on since the last surgery as I havent posted for a while.
I spent a week at Di’s and although Di was at work most of the time, leaving by 6am and back around 3:30-4pm, just knowing I had her company in the evening was a godsend, whenever I am around her, I feel happy and I enjoy myself. I can forget about stuff and just enjoy being around the person I love and admire. She loves me for who I am, regardless of what is going on. She has entered my life at such a vital moment in time, its spooky.
Now I am back at work I guess a sense of normality has crept back in to my world again, it’s back to getting up at 7:30, showering, walking the dog, and going to work etc. I guess we all need a sense of order in our lives and I think that’s why the whole uncertainty of the cancer process has got to me at times. Nose to the Grindstone again 🙂
Yesterday I found out that my first appointment with the Oncologist is this tomorrow and that has given me a massive sense of relief, I am sure I will find out when my treatment will start and what will happen, so that element of uncertainty will be gone. I have asked Di and Mum to come with me, as I feel that it’s important that they hear what I get told as I believe they will be the most affected, I know Di has wanted to be involved with my treatment process and this is the first time an appointment has come through that doesn’t involve any of us needing to take time off work and I feel that this is a good one for Di to be involved with as I think the Chemo is going to be the toughest part of the treatment to-date. Surgery has felt pretty easy to cope with, the pain wasn’t major and hasn’t affected my general lifestyle apart from not being at work for the two weeks after each operation.
What has been preying on my mind a lot is what is the best thing to do when I start my chemo, how ill will I be, will I be able to see people, will I be able to look after Lily and let her out enough. Will I feel miserable and not want to see anyone, will anyone want to come and see me? I know a lot of it is silly things and deep down I know I will be ok, I will see people, they will come and see me and I will look after Lily, but its those thoughts that whizz around my head.
I am not scared of the actual chemo, I know I will lose my hair, that doesnt bother me. I shaved my head before for charity so the lack of hair isnt an issue. I guess when it happens I may feel self concious but I know when I see someone who has no hair I feel admiration to them no matter what. I met a friend of Di’s this weekend who has had chemo and she had no hair and all I could think was how good she looked and how stylish her hat was and I hoped I could look half as good as her when my time comes.
My mum has offered that I can go and stay with her during my treatment and my best mates have as well, I feel a bit lost as to what to do, I dont really want to be too far from my friends as I know I am always out and about and going to visit people so being confined 20-30 mins away from my friends scares me. I know that Di wishes she could look after me as well, but we both accept that staying at hers is out of the question as it is too far from the hospital and my family and friends.
Hopefully seeing the Oncologist will help answer a lot of my questions and fill that void of not knowing what is happening, when things will happen as I like to feel like I am in some form of control. Knowing when my treatment will start will be a huge help as well, so then I can start to plan for Christmas and New Year and other events.
Just bring it on, I want to get going….. I feel like I am stuck in a rut!