I wanted to write a separate post about emotions as I have found that since my second chemo I have really struggled emotionally with things, my emotions, my feelings and the way I deal with things and most importantly my relationships with loved ones and family.
Part of the reason for writing about this is that from speaking to other people it seems a fairly common side effect of the treatment and processes we go through but it’s not really mentioned in guidebooks and leaflets.
I have found that recently I wanted to shut down emotionally, I wanted to bring myself to a point where I levelled out and didn’t feel highs or lows and I found them too much of an extreme. I found all I could think about was what was happening in the right now, not the future. It felt like everyday I could feel the chemo doing something to my body and although I didn’t feel really ill, your mind takes you to what is going on with your body and stays focused on that, the rest of your world goes into automatic pilot. You do things like eat, sleep, wash without thinking. I have heard people refer to “chemo fog” and I can see what they mean now, it’s like your wrapped in a fog and can’t see through it but you can see enough to live.
Since I met Di, the loving and romantic side of me has been bursting free, it’s the first time I have felt secure enough to let these emotions really come out and it was amazing, we had big plans for Christmas and New Year and I was excited about it all. Then all of a sudden I lost all of that excitement, I couldn’t think about Christmas and New Year as my treatments had gone off schedule and I didn’t know what was going to happen. I bottled up my emotions and it felt like I buried them as that was the safest thing to do.
The downside to this is for those who love and care for you, they don’t know what’s going on and only see you withdraw and naturally think that something is wrong and that causes more problems. Eventually I tried explaining what was going on and that I truly felt it was the chemo not my feelings changing, I felt as though I couldn’t say that I was on an emotional shut down as that would sound like I was rejecting them. So I kept quiet until it got to bursting point.
It’s a hard roller coaster for anyone in a relationship when you are ill, I met Di around the time I discovered the lump, so we have been together for 5 months now and all of that time has been shadowed by my cancer and treatment, so it’s a lot for a new relationship to cope with and I truly hope with all my heart we can survive this. We have some way to go before the end of my treatments and I know it could get worse, it could get better but it’s a lot of pressure on Di that I wish she didn’t have to go through.
All I can do right now is communicate and yes at times that lands me in hot water for being too honest, but I am not going to let cancer take Di away from me without a bloody good fight 🙂
So anyone who knows Di and is reading this, please give her a bloody good hug and support her as I know with the distance (physically and emotionally) I can’t always be there for her.
Thank you xx