Battling your emotions

I’ve talked before about the chemo and how it has messed with my emotions, I found just after my second treatment I felt like I shut down and a lot of my happiness and feel good feelings got sucked into a black hole and I felt emotionally flat lined. I still have my good days and I have a lot of bad days and some ok days.

Some days I can just lose the day doing god knows what, I sit in my flat and one minute it’s morning and then it’s dark outside. I can’t explain what I have done all day, apart from being glued to the sofa or my laptop, or both. I often find little projects to do and beaver away for hours on it and can lose hours or days. I remember the same happening about 10 years ago when I was made redundant and couldn’t find work for a few weeks, so I sat down and wrote a whole new website for my favourite show Return to the Forbidden Planet. I loved doing it and felt such a sense of achievement at the end of it.

This time it’s my Gay Girls of Gloucestershire group that I run that’s getting the focus, I spend hours working on improving it, coming up with ideas on what we can do and events for the future. It’s been a massive distraction and help to me as sometimes I admit I have really struggled with things and getting my mind into focus.

The downside to all of this is the effect it had on my relationship with Di, I don’t want to go into too much detail as its private, but at the end of the day, I lost my relationship with her because I became too distant and I didn’t make her happy anymore. We had been together exactly 6 months and throughout all of that my treatment and illness was always there, sometimes in the background, sometimes in the foreground and latterly right in between us. My emotions and feelings for her just disappeared, I felt confused and didn’t know what the hell was going on, was it genuine that my feelings had gone or was it a side effect of the chemo, how would I know. I kept trying to plug away at getting my emotions back, but things were getting harder and I felt more pressure on myself from my own expectations that it probably made me back off even more.

I’d spoken to friends and other people going through chemo and everyone said that chemo affects your emotions, and what I was going through was to be expected, don’t push Di away and talk to her explain what’s going on and although I did, it was really really hard. I felt guilty for not being a proper partner, I felt she deserved more and just found things harder to deal with.

I know of people who have survived going through this but I felt that was probably due to having a good solid relationship before the treatments and diagnosis, I met Di just after I found the lump, so it was always there. Di has been an amazing support to me and I am eternally grateful for all that she has done for me and the love and friendship she has shown me. I feel bad about it not working but honestly feel that it’s for the best right now.

I don’t know what the future holds but I feel the cancer, the treatments and side affects has changed me slightly, whether its permanent I don’t know, only time will tell.

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