Ketchup

Sorry I had to write ketchup as it always makes me think of a joke used in Pulp Fiction 🙂

So this is a ketchup (catchup) boom boom!

To catch up over the last few months, I have been busy trying to get back on track with work and also get myself back on track.

I have done a tandem parachute jump and a freefall sky dive to raise money for Maggies Cancer Centres as I wanted to give something back to them for their help during my treatment.   I absolutely hated the parachute jump, the freefall part was cool, all 30 seconds of it, the moment the parachute opened, it felt like hell on earth lol.   I was in a lot of pain from the tension in the straps and the swinging about made me feel very sick, so I am afraid I threw up on the last bit of the descent!  Yes I am a classy bird!!

Other than that I have been tootling along, I have to admit that physically I have found it quite draining trying to live a full life and I don’t take it slow at the best of times.  Emotionally its been a roller coaster as well, I have been on some real highs and real lows, and it did start to get to me.  I knew I should be feeling happier, but I felt like I had just been in a time warp and I had fast forwarded in time and then gone back to where I started.  It felt like that so much had happened to me over the last year, now all my treatments are over and it feels like I’ve been dropped back down from a great height back to where I was a year ago.  Its surreal…. and I admit I struggled with it all.  I had massive lows about having no direction and not knowing where to go in life, I felt like I had changed a lot during the past year and it was trying to discover the new me again.  Its frustrating to say the least!

I admit to going back onto the anti depressants to cope with it, it just helps keep an even keel as after several months of feeling pretty much flatlined and emotionless to go to feeling real highs and lows is a real roller coaster and normally I love roller coasters but when it comes to adrenaline that’s cool, bring it on, if its emotions…… nope right now…. cant handle it!

I have felt a massive lack of confidence in myself since the treatment, especially about work and trying to go back to do my job again.  I had massive brain freezes and had blocks of sitting at my computer thinking, what am I doing!  Its taken quite a while to feel vaguely like I am getting back on track work wise, its a case of learning to be patient with myself and stop expecting too much of myself.

Physically, well the good news is that I had my first mammogram after everything and it came back as all clear, so that’s a massive relief!  I know I have to go through regular check ups over the next few years but for now, I am FREE of cancer!   whoop whoop!

I have to mention side effects of the treatments, and I have found various changes in my breast since the radiotherapy.  They said it might shrink and for a few months, it didn’t but it has a shrunk now, I don’t know by how much, but its noticeable to me and I was a bit paranoid about it, but its getting better now.

I have a lot of scar tissue in the area, so I still have a significant lump there which does feel strange after having two operations to remove “the lump” and the scar tissue has been quite uncomfortable for a while especially over the last few months as its constantly changing as in shrinking, swelling, aching, itching and being rock hard.  I did have a scare and went and had it checked and was told it was ok but it is worrying with the changes and the consultant and nurses were lovely and understanding about it.

I have since had problems with my chest and I am not sure if its related to the radiotherapy or not, one Dr thought it was but the second wasn’t so sure.  I have basically been told I have costochondritis which is inflammation of the cartilage that connect the ribs to the chest.  And having done some searching on the net, it appears to be quite a common problem after radiotherapy.   I have to say its bloomin painful, I’ve never broken or cracked a rib but I have been told it is a similar pain, so getting a cold with a cough has not helped the situation at all.  But I am on pills for it now, so fingers crossed it will clear up soon!

Well I cant think what to say now, so will shush now 🙂

Night! xx

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